My ideas were to:
- Clean away the evidence of the husband's annoying slovenliness and have a nice neat clean house that stays that way for more than 30 minutes
- Write in my journal
- Destroy the hell out of my front yard and then start to make it pretty
- Crochet something
- get a tattoo
- make some kind of decision about something (anything)
- not feel guilty about not being at work
- watch a couple of movies
- sleep
- I finished the laundry but just laid it out everywhere
- I cleaned some of the house the morning my parent were bringing the children home
- crocheted aimlessly, ripped it out, repeat
- got brave enough to go into the tattoo place but found out that what I wanted wasn't really possible and the person they recommended I work with wouldn't be available until today
- Felt incredibly guilty about not being at work and making others pick up my slack.
- Went to see Haunting in Connecticut. Not scary
- Sleep was elusive
- wandered aimlessly, not much held my attention for more than 20 minutes at a time
- engaged in some needless retail therapy that didn't really do much for me. I should have bought the Netbook or the iPhone. Would have been cheaper and given me something to play with
- Started crying Friday. Haven't stopped yet
- Got addicted to "How I Met Your Mother." How did I miss this show? It was Laugh Out Loud Funny. Like "Friends" and "Mad About You" made me laugh. I needed it seriously. I download the first 2 seasons and am almost done with season two
Did I accomplish anything? No, other than it satisfied the "I just want to be left alone". But it didn't do anything or help me come to any realizations other than my life sucks, I am seriously fucked up and I love my children more than life.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The husband came home yesterday. Oh joy! He was so excited to be back and get his lovin' and be all ooey-gooey-lovey-dovey. Can you say completely clueless?!?
He picked up a box of kleenex that was on the bed and asked, "Been doing some crying?" WHILE LAUGHING! Yes this is the man that I bluntly told, my mother had good reason to be very concerned about me, because, Yes, I am doing THAT BAD. That I told on Saturday, that I was having a VERY BAD DAY. That I told on Tuesday before he got home that I was not having a good day and really didn't feel well. And no I do not want anything from Taco Bell, I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.
Nope, all he cared about was getting his loving and didn't even notice I smelled like cigarette smoke. Asshat.
Now aren't you glad you asked?
4 comments:
Hey -- where did your other post go? I've been formulating an answer all day.
OK, I'm glad I asked because you answered my question really well.
And now I understand why I was worried about you being by yourself for a week. And I'm glad your mom "gets it." If I were you, I'd be feeling like my husband wasn't trying to understand, and that would hurt my feelings.
In answer to your earlier question, 75% of the reason I stay is for my children. While I recognize that I made a commitment, and it is important to me that I honor that, my circumstances are a little different than other peoples'. (Or so I surmise.)
My husband has never been a physically demonstrative guy. About 10 years ago, he went from being not that into sex, to actively avoiding it. As in, once a year is a banner year in my house. When you really love a man, and you don't share his desire to avoid it, this can be hard to live with.
And then I think, "Sorry to break up the household, kiddos, but Mommy's not getting any and that's a bigger issue than your happiness." And then I think, "Sex, schmex. Who needs it?" And I move on.
Beyond this, it sounds to me like we have in common husbands who aren't good at connecting on an emotional level. For me, I had hoped for something more that this in my marriage, and it has been disappointing for me. If this is your situation, I'm guessing it's disappointing for you too.
You and I didn't know each other well when we knew each other long ago, but my perception of you was that you really had your crap together -- whether it was school or guys or whatever, you had it under control. (Geez, I sound like jr. shrink here -- sorry)
If appearing to the world that you've got it together is important to you, and you feel like thing are falling apart, that has got to be so hard for you.
I'm sorry for all you are going through. I hope your doctor can help you find a way through all of this. It's OK that you didn't get through your big to-do list from last week. Finding a new TV show to love is a great accomplishment as far as I'm concerned (I got hooked on "In Treatment" last week.)
No, he doesn't "get it" because he is completely self-centered. (Funny, he thinks if he acknowledges that he is self-centered, that makes it okay.)
As far as appearing to have my crap together, I refer to them as my masques. You see what I want you to see. We are now at the point where I am having problems controlling the masques, and forgetting what is underneath.
Rowan- I'm still working on my super long response to you about your other question. Apologies, in advance, for my droning on and on.
Dibs and Rowan- You both deserve better. To have your mother, Rowan, talk to your husband and have him essentially laugh it off is inexcusable. It's not like she was telling him what to get you for your birthday or something trivial. I'm pretty appalled, quite frankly.
Oh, btw Dibs, I lurk your blog daily- hi.
Post a Comment