Husband gone. check.
Children gone. check.
Major insights leading to path back to sanity. question mark. Lots of thoughts and ideas, but too fast and can't settle on anything long enough to focus on it
My house is a diasaster area.
No movie marathons
No projects completed. I have tore out 3 crochet projects, started 2 more, ripped those out and restarted them.
Tattoo? Not yet. Tried. Called to make an apppointment, but they don't do that over the phone, gotta go in. Gathered my cajones, went in and chatted. Settled on an artist, made an appointment for later that afternoon for a consulation. Showed up for that, but she was still working on another tattoo that was taking more time than scheduled. Totally cool with that. But naturally she doesn't work Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. So I have a consult appt Tuesday after work...
I engaged in some retail therapy. Spent a bunch of money, oddly unsatisfying.
Feeling extremely guity about not being at work. Still don't want to go back. If they would let me redesign the job so I can dump the stuff I am no good at and hate...
Had a "good" appointment with Dr. Maria. So much to think about, I will fill you all in as soon as I can get my thoughts organized. Also had an appointment with the psychiatrist (she just does the drug part) based on what I said and some things Dr. Maria said, anti-anxiety meds have been upped, and the science experiment continues.
The husband is in Calif and enjoying himself. Although he is there for a conference, he is staying with his best friend instead of in a hotel. He also has sent out lots of resumes and cover letters. "Yay! You go boy!" He also said, ouloud, "when I get back... and you get your head together..." Goddamn fucking son-of-a-bitch asshat soooooooooooooooo DOESN'T GET IT! Maybe I should take him to Dr. Maria with me, so she can explain the facts of life to him, because apparently I am not doing it right.
I have woke up at 4:30 am EVERY GODDAMN MORNING with week.
I apologize for taking the lord's name in vain twice in the last two paragraphs.
I also have not redesigned/remodeled/demoloished the front yard. It still looks like shit.
Okay, so I know that accomplishing tasks was not supposed to be the point of this week. A mental break was the point. I don't know what I was expecting, but I still just feel broken.
Meh! Done for now.
6 comments:
Rowan, I don't leave stuff here very often...I guess because I either feel too crazy to leave any kind of advice...or not crazy enough to make you feel like I understand... (Yeah, yeah, I know, "crazy" isn't PC...I actually refer to myself as "loopy".)
I just wanted you to know I read everything you write, and often am shocked at how well you describe what I have wrestled with on and off for my whole life.
The "whirlwind" of thought is a real pisser. That feeling of being able to "fix" it, if you could only concentrate on ONE DAMN THING AT A TIME...that feeling I know.
You are braver than I, BTW. I couldn't possibly be alone for a week when I am in the "funk". No structure, and nobody to put on a show for...that would equate to a week in bed...lol.
Keep the faith, the docs and you will figure it out...
(Oh! Let the hubs dream...it ain't a thing to worry about until there is a real decision to be made!)
Oh I just use crazy. It works. My mom is happy cuz I am keepng myself busy this week, I am frustrated because I can't sit still and just do one thing for 10 minutes. Okay except for watching 8 episodes of How I Met Your Mother in a row last night...
When Dr. Maria suggested I do this week, she said she didn't care what I did. And if I wanted to lay in bed all week tht was just fine. Unfortunately, my issues tell me I MUST DO SOMETHING at all times. Sigh. Mayhaps a padded cell would be better. Thenk they would let me keep my iPod?
(word is "bonest." I am so not going there.)
If the drugs are good enough...you BELIEVE they let you keep the Ipod, and that's just as good...
you know, i think one of the dirtiest words in the english language is EXPECTATIONS.
WV: caliest ??
I love the History Channel. Don't tell anyone -- someone might figure out that I'm a total geek.
Yesterday, they had these shows on about the seven deadly sins. One of them is "sloth." I've never really thought much about the seven deadly sins (and sloth specifically).
It was so interesting. Sloth = depression. The show looked at society's treatment of depressed people since the middle ages. In Puritan times, it was punishable by the stocks until Cotton Mather's wife went into a deep depression and he had the law changed.
Wish someone could figure out how to fix this, or at least help us feel better.
This anoter one of these where I left a comment on my phone (why do I bother?) but you know I read. Religiously. I do not remember what I said.
I ended up having a great first 1/2 of the weekend and ...well, we'll leave it at there. I've got to fill you in but am too drained. We're "fine" but barely. :/
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