What movie is that from? Monty Python?
Therapy/counseling/brain shrinkage/bullshit session went well enough yesterday. But OH MY GAWD do I feel like the biggest whiner in the world. I do like her. She interacts well and is a "no shit" person.
She is pleased with how in synch Laggin and Anon are. (Pssst - I think they talk about me behind my back. I know paranoid is on the list, but I'm just saying')
MJ will be out of town at a conference in two weeks. She thinks that is the week that I take a week from work and just be with myself and my house and be in charge, instead of the normal walking around on eggshells flippin scared to breathe. If it would be better, mayhaps I should send the kiddos to grandmas.
I think this is a good idea because it is immediate. And something needs to happen NOW. But I still think I need to go away to some relaxing peaceful place where no one expects anything from me. It is my preferred alternative to the funny farm (They're coming to take me away Hee Hee They're coming to take me away!) I have some money in the savings account for a rainy day. I think it is raining. I also have airline miles if I want to actually GO somewhere. The big question is where?
Last night MJ (the husband just takes to long to type) asked how my shrinkage appt went. I swear that boy thinks that I am going to hear a magic word or take a magic pill and all will instantly be better. I told him that Dr. Maria wants me to take some time off. And the week he was out of town seemed like a good week. Might have my mom come stay for a bit, but not the whole time cuz I need some time where people are not staring at me waiting for me to shatter. But then I think it would also be a good idea for me to go somewhere to relax and recoup that doesn't involve a padded cell. But that I wasn't sure about all of this because of people's at work and I HATE TO INCONVENIENCE PEOPLE and they might say bad things about me.
Are you following this? Extra kudos if you are. My brain really is as confundled as this right now.
MJ stuttered for a few minutes, said that was fine (Like I was asking his fucking PERMISSION) and blah, blah, blah we moved on with the evening.
Do I swear too much?
Later, when he had rolled it over in his brain... his conclusion was that my taking the time off when he was out of town was a great idea, and my mom could come and take care of the kids and I could go to a hotel in town for a few days to rest and recoup.
Sit with it for a minute.
I'll wait...
Just to be clear, his immediate next thought, though not articulated, but I know was there, was "And then you will be all better and it can all be about me again."
Say it with me - What. The. Fuck???
I did say, outloud, "No, I am talking about 2 different things. An immediate week off while you are gone. Then another trip some where for metal R&R."
"Oh" was the response. End of story.
This morning I came in to work and Jemez gave me a hugoid hug, cuase she just started reading this blog and realizes what a psychotic nut job I am, and that a hug would be very welcome. Then I stalked my boss until I could get in her office and shut the door.
Moi - "I need some time."
Boss - "Okay"
Moi - "I need some time off very soon."
Boss - "Okay"
Moi - "I could bring you a doctor's note, but I would rather not and just say it's vacation."
Boss - "Alright, when would you want to do this?"
Moi - "Week after next"
Boss - "Okay. I am going to pretend I didn't hear the other part and just send me an email requesting the week vacation."
Pause
Boss - "Taking off the boss' hat for a second. Is everything okay?"
Moi - "I am working on it. That is why I need some time off."
Boss - "Okay"
Moi - "Thank you for being so awesome." And she is.
Now to figure out if I just want to be a stay at home, single mommy that week, or do I ask my mother to inconvenience herself and my dad and take my children away.
And how does one go about finding a place to do mental R&R, that is peaceful and pretty and they don't expect too much of you?
10 comments:
We do talk about you a little. A VERY little. More this week than usual...twice to be precise. And with Math Geek once. It's no secret, just ask.
I think time off is a beautiful idea. Consider upping the visits to Dr. Maria during that time. I suspect you'll have lots to think about and having someone to talk to might help you organize the thoughts that week.
Also, maybe MJ needs to hear, "I'm not going to be better any time soon. I'm going to need CHANGE in my life before things are better. That change is going to involve you."
But kudos for taking the first step.
Predi...a pretty pedicure. I need one.
A couple of years ago, my therapist and I were discussing whether I should try anti-depressants. Specifically, Husband had suggested that I go on them so I could quit therapy (they are a cheaper alternative. Since he always works for the insurance company that insures us, it is important that we not inconvenience the company...)
Anyhoo, she said, "I think this kind of treatment could be helpful for you, but your husband needs to understand that there's no pill I can give you that will make you stop minding when he loses his temper or refuses to help around the house."
From things you've written before, I'm guessing your folks won't be put out by helping you with the kids. It's so great that you have a good boss and you like your therapist.
I really wish there was something I could do to help.
p.s. It's from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
LAGGIN, if you don't stop stealing my material, I'm gonna have nothin' to say.
The time off is an excellent decision. I like your therapist. She is very direct and you need that.
I also think that you need to listen to Laggin as well. She is very direct and you need that. You HAVE to tell the big boy at some point in the near future that he can not give you the hangdog expression and ask if you're okay now.
You need to tell him, "You're sick. I'm sick. Same thing, different sick. Yours is going to take some time, mine will as well. So as much space and understanding as you want me to have, you need to have with me too. End of story. Kapeesh?"
Well, you can leave off the kapeesh maybe. Straight gentile girls really can't pull it off.
So listen to them. They have good advice. I'll just supply the Snuggie hugs.
Er, make that:
You need to tell him, "You're sick. I'm sick. Same thing, different sick. Yours is going to take some time, mine will as well. So as much space and understanding as you want me to give you, you need to have with me too. End of story. Kapeesh?"
Yep, I talked to laggin. We wouldn't be talking about you if we didn't love you. Time off YES! Going to a hotel in town? I don't know, does that appeal to you? Traveling out of town? Only if you feel up to it...while the thought of BEING somewhere beautiful may be what you need, the travelling to get there can sometimes be stressful (hmm, like, when the window in the cockpit won't shut before takeoff, and you take a different flight, and they lose your luggage...I heard that kinda sucks). Definitely ask the parents for some help with the kids though. You need a break from everything, not just MJ. And go for a "predi"!
P.S. seckeven? Can't think of anything.
So far I think a mental holiday may be as beneficial as a physical one. Start with the week off he's gone. Have your mother come up for a couple days. Then see if she can take the kids for a couple days. Don't be afraid to ask, just ask. The worst thing is a no. All in all, just take a chance to stop. And then see your therapist twice that week so you can report on how you're doing without the big boy bothering you.
"Crumer": a one-man drumming-crooing band.
Mathgeek, you ashame me. Seckeven = when everyone one in the family has the stomache flu and at least two of you vomit in the minivan.
Ywiden = something Yiddish, but I don't speak that.
Hey. Ignore me anytime you want. I will not be offended. At all.
bewak = a creature from Starwars, but I don't remember which one.
ignore Laggin?
wait, what?
dizati=Rowan after taking anti-anxiety Rx
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