Demand Resistance

This subject came to my attention here: doing what I want, which lead me here: squalor survivors. And wow, this hits close to home. This all seems to come from a book by Jeannette Dewyze and Allan Mallinger, called, "Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control" (yeah, I am getting it).

This is how it started:

* You prepare a "To Do List" but start working on other projects instead.
* You resent all criticism of your work-however fair, gentle, or helpful.
* You unconsciously oppose having to do anything that is expected of you.

Yes, that sounds familiar.

Demand-Resistance is defined as a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without). As a form of self-sabotage, this (usually unconscious) resistance takes a heavy toll... We frequently feel frustrated by and angry at ourselves and our situations...
...we may habitually confuse I want with I should. I should .., I must ... Today. Right now. Forever. Perfectionism once again rears its ugly head. And since it is highly unlikely that I can follow these commandments ... perfectly 100% of the time, I give up, and wallow in the self-pity of frustration...

This sounds like the war in my head constantly. If I cannot do it (whatever "it" is) up to my standards (ie. perfectly), then why bother. Chores and hobbies at home I cannot get started on, because I don't have the time or energy to do it right. I can be at work and think that my boss is going to get mad at me and fire me eventually anyway, so why bother.

from: David Mays on "Too Perfect"
The “single quality that characterizes obsessive people is a powerful, unconscious need to feel in control—of themselves, of others, and of life’s risks. One of the primary ways in which this need manifests itself is perfectionism.”

Demand-Resistance.
Obsessives tend to be especially sensitive to demands, either real or imagined. This is called “’demand-resistance,’ a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without.” They tend to exaggerate subtle or inferred demands, to read expectations into situations, to translate things they want to do into things they ‘ought’ or ‘must’ or ‘should’ do. They are inclined to balk at expectations simply because they are perceived as demands. Some clam up when others try to get them to talk in order to protect themselves. Some may feel resentment or have trouble concentrating or delay on the job. Some can’t enjoy a hobby because they feel pressure to do it perfectly. Some are afraid of potential expectations if another person acts friendly. (90-102)

These are virtually always unconscious behaviors and nearly undetectable, but they cause inner turmoil. (102)

Some of the personality traits of obsessive people include:

* Fear of making mistakes or wrong decisions
* Strong devotion to work
* Need for order and firm routine
* Frugality
* Need to know and follow the rules
* Emotional guardedness
* Tendency to be stubborn and oppositional
* Heightened sensitivity to pressure
* Inclination to worry
* Need to be above criticism
* Chronic inner pressure to use every minute productively

Many obsessive people are suffering the agony of having to do everything well, fear of embarrassment and of appearing less than perfect, an overgrown sense of duty, responsibility and fairness, inability to fully relax or play, worries about doing the right things, etc.

One characteristic is a tendency to think in extremes. All or nothing.

Mistakes would show I am not competent. Being perfect assures my security with others. My worth depends on being good and performing well. Failures are devastating. (38)

Perfectionists procrastinate because the work must be flawless and therefore it looks overwhelming. (41) Perfectionists may need to be right about everything. (49) They may be very picky and inclined to be upset over flaws in others. (51) A hypercritical nature is painfully obvious to everyone, and it pushes people away. (61)

Some can’t tolerate any dust or disorder but it’s more common to focus on certain areas. Perhaps activities must be orderly, a fixed routine because of the need for perfection, thoroughness, and control. Rigidity is the tendency to resist change. Prone to ruts. One gets bored, misses opportunities and suffers unnecessary pressure. One can be a slave to the rules, follow recipes to the letter. Mental neatness includes impatience with ambiguity, a need to understand every detail, stubbornness and narrow-mindedness, resistance to growth, rigid expectations. Once having set a course, it is very difficult to change it. (142-153)

Yikes! Anyone that knows me well, knows that I am obsessive (HAH!) about self-reflection. Why do I do the things I do? Why can't I do things that I think I should be able to? You don't want to know all the crazy (*snort*) thoughts that have run through my head trying to explain and reason out to myself about how I feel. I don't feel normal much of the time. But that is impossible to explain to someone else.

There is some kind of relief associated with having something real connected to something you or others think is imagined.

I googled the term and I couldn't find anything on it besides what is mentioned here so my guess is the authors' created the term demand resistance.

So what am I supposed to do about this? I guess like any problem you have to

• acknowledge there is a problem (ummm... Done.)
• start with baby steps (just do a 5 minute thing now, don't start the whole thing, what ever "it" is)
• then??? Not sure... I will let you know after I read the book, and consult with my mental health professional.

Have a lovely weekend.