"Oh this is just a happy development!" (I am into the Chinese used in Firefly. I will probably continue to educate you.)I have two things to report to the class. They are of the train wreck variety. So proceed with cauthion.
Laggin, don't read this now. Come back to it later. Much later.
1. Yesterday I saw Dr. Maria. She was lovely as usual. The husband accompanied me. He is an asshat.
2. Today I saw my psychiatrist. She is not happy with my lack of progress. So she suggested an option that made me cry.
So first, our happy time with Dr Maria. I spilled my guts with her prompting, up to the "I am not sure if I can continue living with you part." She made sure that she was real clear that we are not talking about a little issue, with a little therapy and a little Rx, and then everything will be all better. She tried to shock him by being blunt. I think she said "hospitalization" 5 times. Maybe next month, 2 weeks, tomorrow (I think I stopped breathing for a second.) Nothing. No reaction from him what so ever. She asked how the family would function if that were the case. Got a vague he can take care of the kids... he is applying for fulltime work (that is true, but I don't know how for sure it is)
Let me interrupt with a disclaimer. I do not think the husband is a bad person and thinks negative or harmful thoughts about me in the slightest. He is a good, caring person. His personality and actions, however, do not seem to be healthy for my personality and issues. He is extremely self-centered.
His feelings are tweaked because I don't share with him. Terin has these little fears of "judgement". And he judges. Big time. He is all black and white, no shades of grey, can't even comprehend it. Yes, I said that outloud.
Bottom line he heard my medical diagnosis from the horses mouth. That, yes, it is that bad and that serious. Things have to change. I acknowledged hearing this and said all the right things. But I did not see true comprehension in his eyes.
Three bitches I have about statements he made. He is concerned about "his" insurance (that I provide because he doesn't work full time). He is applying for a fulltime job, but he "does work" you know. And the biggie, "I have cancer. T did tell you have cancer." Fucker does NOT have cancer. He has MDS which means it is likely he will develop leukemia and need a bone marrow transplant (super simplified description). But he does NOT actively have cancer at this moment. Dr. Maria played it cool however, I did say that "yes, T had filled me in on your condition."
Right now I am not sure where that leaves anything... TBD.
Okay, so today, with the psychiatrist (they are both Dr.s Maria is PhD, the other is MD; one chat's the other issues prescriptions) Anyway, after catching Dr F. up to date the happenings with Dr. Maria, and the husband, she dug through my file. "You know we have tried about every medication and combination there is. Chances are if the first 20 didn't help, # 21 isn't going to either." And proceeds with when patients are in this bad of a spot and aren't responding to drug therapy, the next step is ECT. I am thinking wonderbar and new drug, what does this one take 3 months to kick in, totally makes you loopy, what? Uh no. She is talking shock treatment. That would be about the point I started crying.
She backed off with it is not a have to, it is an option, pros and cons, not like the old days, usually very successful.
Um, yeah.
Maybe, you could just give me some information to look at, read about it when I am not hysterical. Ooooo, look honey how crazy I really am.
Guess how focused I am on work right now?? Go ahead, just guess!
Yeah, good times.
6 comments:
Okay, stop. The environment is the major issue. IT is affecting the rest of your life. Before you take such drastic steps as electro-shock therapy, maybe it's time to try fixing the core issue first. Stop slapping another band-aid on the issue and face the issue. It's time to separate. It's time to find yourself outside of him so you can fix the problem. STOP IT! I ask you this one more time: if "he" were not in your life, how much of all the other problems would be alleviated or easier to deal with??? Instead you want to run electricity through your brain? Would you rather that I call him up and tell him really what's going on so that he realizes it and you don't have to tell him yourself? Be more sensible here. I'm not trying to be mean, but I can't see you having tried all solutions pharmaceutically if you are still not dealing with the core issue in therapy. They need to work together. Respond.
I'm not so good at tough love, but siskbert's words make sense.
And I cried a little when I read this post. I haven't done any homework on the topic yet though.
Hugs.
(In no way does this comment attempt to negate the two above!)
I had a friend who underwent ECT after meds didn't work, and it did wonders for her. There was a 20/20 or 60 minutes about it a few years ago too, very informative.
It does not look like the images we all have in our heads from movies in the 70's. Patients are sedated, and unaware of the treatment. They don't know why it seems to work on some people who don't respond chemically, but it seems to.
I read, but not until this morning.
Right now I'm not in a mental place to tell you what to do (not that it's every my place, really). But your brother is a smart, smart man and not afraid to give you advice that's got to be terribly tough to hear.
He asked a question...how many of these problems would you have if you removed Husband from the equation. The answer is "some of them". Figure out which ones; that should help you answer the "big" question.
And in the meantime, DO NOT LET HIM LEAVE THE STATE WITH YOUR KIDS. Seriously.
*hugs*
Thanks for the feedback. I realize the extent of the issue is largely situational. That is something I am working on, but for me, bot a quick fix. Dealing with the situations I have put myself in will help a lot. Unfortunately it won't make them go away, but hopefully better.
PS - I told the husband what the doctor said last night. No response. Nothing. *sigh* I am working on it. Promise. I wish I was in a position or different enough to just pick up and leave. Not. So it is going to get drug out a little longer.
One step at a time... right?
I'm weighing in late -- sorry. From one miserable wife to another, I can only remind you that you have a job and benefits that can help you leave if you need to. Notice I didn't say "want" there. If your situation is making you so unhappy that you can't function, it's not fair to you or to your kids.
Everybody else responding before me makes lots of sense. No matter what course of treatment you choose, the core issue will most likely remain the same. You have to take care of you.
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