Two complaints for today.
I got new contacts. They are green. I got bored with blue eyes. Yes, I realize that blue is something other people spend money to get. But they have been blue all my life and I am bored with them and I want green now. But since I, naturally, don't want anyone to think that I might be looking for some kind of attention, I didn't want ones that scream GREEN!!!! So, they are fairly subtle.
The husband knows I was getting green contacts. The husband knew that I left the house to go pick them up. The husband knew I went in the bathroom to put them in. THE HUSBAND couldn't tell the difference! "Go take one out and show me the difference" he says. AARRRGGGGGHHHH!!! How could the husband not know what color my eyes are? Oh right, it is the same man who didn't notice I dyed my hair RED until I pointed it out to him, and then said he would "need a few days to get used to it."
THEN-
I have chronic insomnia (yeah, I know just add it to the list). If I leave it to nature I get about 3 hours of sleep a night. When I do not get enough sleep (like say more than 3 hours), I get migraines, hallucinations and just cranky, nasty and mean. Just get the straight jacket and call the funny farm. I wasn't always this way. I used to easily sleep 10 hours straight, without moving and I could sleep through thunderstorms and earthquakes. This all changed about the time I had children. I don't know if the two are related, but it is all probably connected to hormones somehow.
Sometime late last year, it got to be too much and I was desperate. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the night afraid that I would never sleep again. (look, at 3am you are not exactly rational either) So since then I have artificially induced sleep. Monitored by a doctor...
It isn't as perfect as the commercials make it look. I have never woke up with a smile on my face looking out the window thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day. If I take a full dose, my consciousness passes long before my body does, about after 20 minutes. But I am still awake. So I fall down, get the munchies, read chapters of books, watch TV shows and generally do things I don't remember that the husband tells me about in the morning. For some reason this makes him mad. If I only take a half dose, it can take longer for me to fall asleep (sometimes I have to go take the other half anyway), and it wears off about 5am, at which time I wake up but am still so groggy/exhausted that I cannot even get up and do something productive.
So what do I do last night? I try to tough it out. I had been yawning since 8pm. And was really, REALLY tired (after I had stayed up reading until 1 pm the night before trying my bestest to make sure that no one else slept either.)
I got in bed at 10. Not so early to be unrealistic. Maybe I should have read a nice publication like the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act that I was handed at work. (Can you believe they published a 180 page document that says I can't talk about a students personal and academic information/progress to anyone without their permission?) No, I picked up Breaking Dawn and read that. Duh! Geez...
The second I got into bed I was wide awake (maybe I should have brought the FERPA book home). At 11:00 my heart was pounding (that was not related to Breaking Dawn, not when it went on for 20 minutes). No, this is not mental at all (that was sarcasm, if it isn't clear). So I caved and got a sleepy pill. But I stared at it for awhile before opening the bottle. I really am so frustrated by the fact that I need to be so heavily medicated in an attempt just to feel normal (perhaps more information than I want to admit, if you read this I forgot to go back and erase it).
Yes, I gave in. Yes, I felt weak. Yes, it is probably a crutch and I should be able to do this without medication. Yes, I have issues. But, I just wanted to sleep.
My head hurts.
I am done.
For now.
Maybe.
Gone by Lisa McMann
16 years ago
4 comments:
Well, I agree that pharmaceuticals aren't the loveliest of options but you need sleep.
Have you thought about trying melatonin, etc. (I bet so, but I'm just trying to think of alternatives.) Um, acupuncture? (Just kidding.)
And I know what my Dad would say: "if you got some exercise then you'd sleep like a baby." And if he said it to me, I'd scowl at him like a pissed-off vampire. So I won't say it to you. AND I wouldn't do it.
Altough you could suggest to your hubby that evening walks with him might help. (Put it back on him for help! Tee hee.) Ooooh. I like this train of thought. And long, peaceful evening baths, and massage. :)
And I forgot to say, I am SOOO jealous of your green contacts. I've always wanted to make my eyes greener. Mine are just weird colored.
I have always wanted to be a green-eyed red-head. Cuz blue-eyed blondes are so done ;)
Exercise helps regulate the body. Of course, you have to have time for it. Take Caitie for a walk after dinner every night? Yes, that means Mark has to do dishes. At which point you can say to him, "Listen, you either gripe at me about sleeping or gripe about doing the dishes. Your choice, but you can't have both. Decide."
On the secondary front, all your meds could be screwing up your sleep schedule. It sounds almost like anxiety (thoughts start rushing before sleep, or a thought wakes you up in the middle of the night and suddenly you can't stop thinking). Which is what I have, but try to ignore. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But you might want to speak to your med doc about that component and whether the others can contribute to it.
Mark's condition probably sparked the whole thing. Not that knowing that helps.
But if it helps, you're not alone. Your brother does the exact same thing. And I don't trust nor take the sleep meds any longer. They make me too stupid the whole next day.
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