I have had a request from Anon that I start communicating again. I don't know if he specifically meant the blog, but here we are. I have been quiet lately. To friends and family as well as to blog. Someone says/writes something, I open my mouth/poise my fingers above the keyboard, and nothing comes. It is like a mass of fog is just swirling around in my brain.
But in an attempt to try, I will write about something that I probably have already done to death, but is most prevalent on my mind.
I am having a dilemma. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not happy with my job. I am a mixture of bored out of my gourd and overwhelmed. Maybe overwhelmed isn't the correct word, I need something that mean anxiety provoking.
There is not enough, at this time, to keep me busy all day. Which for me, is not a good thing. The work that there is, I am totally blind to. I am totally making it up as I go along. Problem is, I received zero training and there is no one in my office familiar with the job that I can ask questions. So I guess. And surprise! that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I like a specific list of what has to be done and how to do it. I am definitely a "follow the rules" kind of person. This uncertainty is going to continue for at least 2 more weeks, probably until the end of January when I know some new work (that I know how to do) will be coming.
This is extremely anxiety provoking. And shocker! I have an issue with anxiety. Like an official diagnosed and medicated problem. Unfortunately the medicated part of it doesn't take care of it 100%. I sit in my office shaking and freaking out because I don't know what to do. I have been in this position for 6 months and still don't feel any better about it.
It would follow that I need to find a new job. Great. With the place I am in with my anxiety levels and my depression, I am doubting every potential decision I make. I honestly have no idea what I should do.
I have an option. I could teach. That feels like a good possibility. I would definitely be busy and I really want the hours. (Now that the husband is working fulltime, childcare has been a fun game to play.) BUT, I remember being very stressed while I was teaching and what if I hate it? Plus, if I decide to apply for teaching positions to go through the interview process and see how I feel about it, I have to let me bosses know. The school district requires current letters of recommendation. I know my bosses would be supportive of any decision I make, but still...
ARGHHHHHH...
Okay time for a comedic intermission. If you love Nathan Fillion as much as I do, this is funny. If you don't, well it's not.
I should be grateful. I have a "good" job. The husband has a good job. My logical side says that I should see this through for a year and then evaluate how I feel about it. My irrational, LOUD side says that I have no clue how to do my job, I am a big old fraud pretending, and I am going to get caught screwing up.
Seems like every email I send out says, "I appreciate your patience as I learn the..."
Sigh... and it's fricking cold outside and I hate the cold and I don't know what to get anyone for Christmas. Meh!
And How are YOU doing?
8 comments:
I'm doing fabulous!!
Okay, that's a total lie, but really, things could be waaaaay worse. Life goes on.
I got 90% of my Christmas shopping done on Black Friday. Don't hate me!!
Have you vocalized your discomfort with your current workload to your superiors?? Hang in there, buddeh.
Yay! Terin is communicating! Thank you, Anon.
I agree with the Dread Pirate, communicating with supervisors seems a logical choice...maybe not to the extent of your anxiety, but surely they realize this is less than ideal, with you having no training?
Waiting until sometime in January for a change of pace with your tasks seems perfectly reasonable. Sitting around in misery for an entire year? Doesn't seem too healthy.
Please keep letting us know what's up! I check for updates all the time. Sounds like hubby is doing well with full time work?
I have tried to diplomatically state that I don't quite have enough work and I get suggestions that are for things that don't take much time.
Right now I could come in and work for an hour and be done. All caught up on my blog reading. :p
I know that when the busy time hits, it will be crazy. It just isn't soon enough.
The only thing that sounds appealing is sleep. I just want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head.
The husband seems to be enjoying his job. I knew getting out and about and interacting with people would be good for him.
Blarg.
We already talked about this in RL, so I won't repeat myself but I like their supervisor dicussion idea. Also, consider telling them you want to interview for teaching positions to (a) see if it's a plausible alternative and (b) to get a feel for the schools in the area because it's something you are considering in the long run, but not necessarily THIS year. Would that give you options?
Hey sweets. Checking in to say that I pop in here several times a week and I'd love it if you keep blogging. You're stronger than you realize and I'm really proud of you for putting one foot in front of the other even though it's hard. I wish I could do more but for now know that I'm thinking of you and sending big hugs your way.
I decree that you shall blog again soon. M'kay? Thanks. Bye now.
I second.
Thanks for the messages. I just have serious writer's block. Maybe I will make that a resolution of sorts. Try to post at least a little something more frequently.
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